I'm moving, have you heard?

(After purchasing my ticket home this is what popped up on my screen. sent straight from the heavens. I think so.)

I cant get my mind away from what short time I have left with NY. This life I've created here.

It happend a year and a half ago and its happening again. The closer it gets the more scared I am to leave. And not only scared but extremely sad. Like the kind of sad where I am walking home and I see the same dumb lamp post I see every day, and I start to get teary eye'd and think "I probably will only get to see this lamp post 12 more times before I leave!" Its gotten this bad guys. & when I get that sad over a lamp post you don't even want to see me when I'm with my friends. Ha I'm a complete mess.

This has become another place I call home and I'm afraid in a couple weeks, I wont be able to claim that anymore.
I'm scared that I wont get to come back and call this place mine ever again.

I can always call Utah my home. I grew up there, my family is there and I know I will always return.
But leaving NY not knowing if ever coming back is in the plan- well that scares the living shizzzz out of me.

How am I going to force myself to get onto the plane and leave the place that shaped me into a better human being? Listen, there are precisely two things that will get me to step onto that plane:
-knowing that this is EXACTLY what I need to be doing
-and the fact that my family will be standing there the minute I step off.

You know those times when you have an experience and it feels like your whole world IS that experience? Wether it be a place you've moved to, or a person in your life. In that moment- you cant imagine any different. And then you move on, whatever the reason may be. And it feels weird at first. 

This is not the world you live in. 
These are not the streets you walk down. 
Those are not the people you see everyday.

And then one day they are. They become your whole life.
& All of that is not the scary part. Thats the part I'm actually excited about.

The terrifying part is that moment where you look back and the experience that was your whole life, feels like it never even happened.
I can't let New York become that.

I've never had to exercise my faith in this capacity. Moving out here was a huge leap of faith but for some reason this feels harder. Does that sound crazy? Am I going crazy! Probably. But maybe it's because this place was an even better fit than logan was. Is that even possible? Or maybe i've just grown and learned to love NY in a different way than I did logan? I dont think they are comparable but im just going to go ahead and say right now this feels harder.

This is what I see in my mind.  I see myself  landing in utah, and immediately holes will appear.
The holes where new york so perfectly fit into. My friends, my work, my ward, my way of life conformed and fit right into my heart.

How will anything every fit there so perfectly again?

And yet I know without a doubt in my mind:

 Once I finally stop worrying and trust that there is a plan, the holes will once again be filled and I will learn to conform around the work I have ahead of me.

At this point there are very few things that would take me away from this place.
& my next adventure guys -
is a life changer. 

despite the sadness oooozing from this post,
I really am excited for this next jump.
details to come.


  1. ...........yyyyyyyyour pregnant.

  2. and also i love this post. Even though it made me feel sorta sad.

  3. Those holes never really go away, but they stay there to help you remember.

  4. Everything has the perfect timing for each individual person. You'll look back and see that NY was the perfect moment for you.

  5. oh i've got the same feelings over here. it's so hard but change is good, we have to keep telling ourselves that.

  6. This is really beautifully written. Sometimes, as hard as it is, you have to leave behind things, places or people you love so that you can move on and grow. It sounds like NY helped transform you already, so it won't ever be something you forget. I hope your new chapter in life is as amazing as this last one was for you :)

    Left brain, right brain, pug brain.