you better believe I paid 20 dollars to see that ish.

Titanic Imax 3D.

Believe me, it was worth the $20. Especially getting to see it with those two crays.

I was a titanic virgin before last night, seeing as my mom wouldn't let me watch it when I was younger due to those very very naked scenes. Come on, Leo's baby face?? Im almost grateful my mom kept me from watching it, I would of have had an obsession with that face my whole childhood. Or maybe it would have been better to get it out of my system at a normal age. I feel a little creepy loving his attractive baby face so much at my age. Its like me loving the justin beieber movie as much as I do.
and then there was that dream I had about making out with the beibs..

meeow its time to end this post.

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The day Madi went ape shiz and decided to go on a mission

Let me lay it out for you real simple.
I've never been the mission type.
& in all my years of growing up in the church, watching my other friends talk about the day they get to go out and serve the Lord, i've personally have never had a desire to actually go on one. I would say I was more on the other extreme as in no way in hell could anyone convince me to go. Is that awful to admit? I've always thought missions were wonderful life changing events, but just not my life changing event, anybody feelin me? 

So when the thoughts of a mission started about 8 months ago, I resisted.
This was not in the plan.
My plan was NY & everything it had to offer.
I wanted to stay here with my incredible friends in my incredible city.

I wasn't ready or willing to give up NY 8 months ago. & if we're being honest, 
I just didn't want give up chipotle for 18 months. But after some miracles to actually get me to take down my wall and say yes, it blows my mind to see how I have been prepared for this even through my resisting and fighting it. This gospel didnt mean to me back then in Utah what it does to me now. I had to find it. & it took NY to do that.

So (finally!) my mission papers in, i'm waiting for that white envolope in the mail to tell me where my next 18 month adventure will take place,  
& i'm more excited than I could ever explain to you in words. Maybe in person I could explain it to you in a lot of high pitched squeals and screams but I dont want to try and write those here. 
I think this photo a couple posts down sums up my excitement pretty well.

Sooooo, listen here- 
Straight up, 
No doubt in my mind - 
This is what I want, but more importantly what the Lord wants for me.

&&& I cannot wait to give everything I have for Him.

The following picture makes me incredibly happy and breaks my heart all at the same time. 
I can't handle my roller coaster of emotions these days. I'm a giant ball of mess.

I'm comin home utah.
If not but for a month or two- i'm comin home.
(cue chorus of "Home" by Daughtry)
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Its unnerving when something so
constant is taken from your life. 

Grandpa passed away last night.
Literally as my mom was walking in the hospital doors to come say goodbye to him. 
& my heart aches for her.

Can we talk about that being one of the most vulnerable positions you can ever be in?

It just go back from spending the weekend at a conference where I heard Brene Brown speak 
& I learned so much more about learning to live in that state of vulnerability. 

Having to be away from my family right now and watch my mom go through this 
across the country has brought on this whole new perspective of helplessness. 
I havent been able to do anything for her in the past 12 hours and 
i've never had to deal with this feeling before, this feeling of complete vulnerability.

So onto my next bit of news.
Im going on a mission..
did i mention that?

Its been a fight getting my papers in for one reason or another so we've all just been waiting patiently to hear if they had been finally sent in. I had no idea that the news of my mission papers would come at a time that was so bitter sweet. Last night I received the news that grandpa had passed away, & this morning when I woke up I got a text saying the papers are now with the church headquarters.  I was feeling so helpless on this end of the country not being able to be there for my mom so giving her this good news felt like my way of contributing to & helping my family get through this heartbreaking time.

Can I tell you how extremely grateful I am for the knowledge I have that this is not the end? Cus I am.

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Yankee's Game

We decided since that pretty lady with me above had never been to a major league baseball game,
 and I move home soon, that we should go to one last game all together. 
Baseball games are happyhappyhappy.

This continues to be one of my favorite things to do in the city.  Like I said last year the best part is
at the end of the game when they play "new york, new york" by frank sinatra and you get another
"New York" moment.  And then you dance around to it with 25 other mormons.
Try it next time you are here.

Actual pictures to come once I find my camera cord which im sure is packed away in this mess. 
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Lutz, Hornberger & a Cockroach

Number 1- I was dubbed "official cockroach hunter" for the day at work. My coworker took over my duties and made me search for the thing for like and hour. Mama don't like cockroaches that fall from the ceiling.

Number 2 - PETE HORNBERGER AND LUTZ IMPROV. Grizz was even in attendance watching the show. What is this life? Banksy and three 30 Rock characters in the flesh all within 24 hours of each other??
5 dollars at the UCB theater - Apparently Amy Poehler will show up on occasion. Go there. Watch funny things. Laugh.

& Number 3- Nothing could really top number 2, but I did find my watch and an old twix bar in my coat today? It had fallen through that hole in my pocket i've been meaning to sew up. 

I ATE the twix bar if you were wondering.  It was all smashed and everything. 
I couldn't just NOT eat the twix bar, am I right or am I right?

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Reason #3

building up a list of things that will help me get on that plane next week.
1&2 are listed below.

#3: The amount of love I feel from this computer screen sitting thousands of miles away 
isn't even going to compare to actually feeling that in person next week.
& thats gotta be a lot of happy because I'm feelin pretty loved right now.
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banksy high

Exit through the Gift Shop
If not go here. Read the questions section as well.

Its been my goal ever since my friend Babbitt came to stay last summer to find a Banksy before I leave. We searched the whole time she was here but never found one.  So imagine my surprise when A FRIGGIN BANKSY JUST LANDED IN MY LAP TONIGHT. No but really. How does this just happen?

Number 1. I am almost never in a car in the city. Im like a rat just down in those subways all day. This was a very rare and out of the blue occasion. Number 2. We were taking random side streets to get home. How in the *&%$# did we happen to go down that street? Number 3. The light was red guys. It could have been green, or worse it could have been yellow and my friend decide to run the light!! I would have never even seen it. Number 4. What if I hadn't looked to my left?! There very well could have been a cute little kitten or a man selling churros to my right and I wouldn't have ever seen it! Either would have gotten my full attention and I wouldn't have even known I was directly across from a Banksy. Number 5. Im gonna stop going through the what if's now because its really bummin me out.

The stars aligned from the heavens above for Madi tongiht. 
And a week before I ship out?! It was a Banksy Christmas Miracle.

A few more favorites from Banksy-

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I'm moving, have you heard?

(After purchasing my ticket home this is what popped up on my screen. sent straight from the heavens. I think so.)

I cant get my mind away from what short time I have left with NY. This life I've created here.

It happend a year and a half ago and its happening again. The closer it gets the more scared I am to leave. And not only scared but extremely sad. Like the kind of sad where I am walking home and I see the same dumb lamp post I see every day, and I start to get teary eye'd and think "I probably will only get to see this lamp post 12 more times before I leave!" Its gotten this bad guys. & when I get that sad over a lamp post you don't even want to see me when I'm with my friends. Ha I'm a complete mess.

This has become another place I call home and I'm afraid in a couple weeks, I wont be able to claim that anymore.
I'm scared that I wont get to come back and call this place mine ever again.

I can always call Utah my home. I grew up there, my family is there and I know I will always return.
But leaving NY not knowing if ever coming back is in the plan- well that scares the living shizzzz out of me.

How am I going to force myself to get onto the plane and leave the place that shaped me into a better human being? Listen, there are precisely two things that will get me to step onto that plane:
-knowing that this is EXACTLY what I need to be doing
-and the fact that my family will be standing there the minute I step off.

You know those times when you have an experience and it feels like your whole world IS that experience? Wether it be a place you've moved to, or a person in your life. In that moment- you cant imagine any different. And then you move on, whatever the reason may be. And it feels weird at first. 

This is not the world you live in. 
These are not the streets you walk down. 
Those are not the people you see everyday.

And then one day they are. They become your whole life.
& All of that is not the scary part. Thats the part I'm actually excited about.

The terrifying part is that moment where you look back and the experience that was your whole life, feels like it never even happened.
I can't let New York become that.

I've never had to exercise my faith in this capacity. Moving out here was a huge leap of faith but for some reason this feels harder. Does that sound crazy? Am I going crazy! Probably. But maybe it's because this place was an even better fit than logan was. Is that even possible? Or maybe i've just grown and learned to love NY in a different way than I did logan? I dont think they are comparable but im just going to go ahead and say right now this feels harder.

This is what I see in my mind.  I see myself  landing in utah, and immediately holes will appear.
The holes where new york so perfectly fit into. My friends, my work, my ward, my way of life conformed and fit right into my heart.

How will anything every fit there so perfectly again?

And yet I know without a doubt in my mind:

 Once I finally stop worrying and trust that there is a plan, the holes will once again be filled and I will learn to conform around the work I have ahead of me.

At this point there are very few things that would take me away from this place.
& my next adventure guys -
is a life changer. 

despite the sadness oooozing from this post,
I really am excited for this next jump.
details to come.
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the weekend in grainy blurry instagram photos

1. A grainy rooftop BBQ to bring in summer the proper way.
2. Learning how to touch my toes. A giant obstacle in my life - Im still on could nine about this one.
3. Taylor Berrett at Webster Hall. Go watch this- right here - meow - you're welcome.
4. Once again marked as the baby. Im surprised they believed me I was over the 16 yr old age limit.
5. Evidence that I am in the running for suckiest best friend of the year. Only wrote him once his whole 2 years out.
6. Claustrophobia via Skype.
7. My old apt in Brooklyn right above the Samoobslogowa laundromat. aka polish/drug dealer town.
8. BK Mac & Cheese in McCarren park. As a rule of thumb for everything in life - ALWAYS add bacon. Even if its just bacon salt.

And since I'm obsessed. Just in case you missed it on twitter or facebook - go here.
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While visiting Baltimore we dove by the childhood home that contributed to all of my homeschooled awkwardness.
Memories kept flooding in and im sure my friends got sick of me saying the word nostalgic constantly in a high pitch voice.

Like the time the boy from down the street kept fliging his hamsters in the air and I felt so sick for the little guys?

Or the time when I wasn't quite asleep and my dad came in to put a dollar under my pillow and take my tooth and I just pretened I was still asleep. And then for another few months I kept pretending the tooth fairy (and santa calus)(and the easter bunny) were real until I moved to utah called my parents out on it. My moms response to me asking "if the tooth fairy isnt real than santa and the easter bunny cant be either right?" was " well.. what do you think..?"I THINK THAT DAD IS THE LITTLE WINGED CREATURE I THOUGHT WAS THE TOOTH FAIRY MY WHOLE LIFE MOM.- Classic Jill response.

And the nights when my parents would let me and my sisters sleep in their walk incloset and I would sleep next to my dads shoes that always smelled freshly polished.

Or when those girls told me there were lions in the sewer man holes and I still to this day think about that every time I pass one.

Or the time I cried over feeling bad for taking the last dounut .
Getting emotional over food is somthing that has only increased over time.

And that favorite time Kira threw a mathbook at Danica's head?

Danica, Kira, any more memories to add?


I should have asked my sisters prior to putting up my latest post because another flood of memories came in fromt the two of them.
These are mainly for my family to read but there are some gems in the midst of them I think you will all enjoy.


The fact that we BOTH found out Santa and all that bizniz wasn't real in Maryland. Dad took me to our storage unit Christmas Eve (all serial killer-like) and told me it wasn't real. And then I thought I was so cool and talked to you like a baby saying things like "ohhhhhhhh Madi let's hurry and go to sleep so that SANTA can come!" - I looked like a fool i am sure.

or when me and Kelly made a tree house/fort in the bushes behind her house.

Or when I was at Kelly's house and we were watching some show on T.V. that was playing the song "truly, madly, deeply," and I tried to talk really loud everytime it said the sentence "I wanna bathe with you in the sea" because I was all embarrassed.

Or that Brian kid who always had Rugrat fruit snacks.

Or those nasty nasty kids (the hamster ones) that took me down into their bedroom and told me realllllly gross things. blahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. and then didn't one of us kick one of them in the crotch? I'm pretty sure that happened.

Also, me setting up my stuffed animal Dalmatians on my bed every morning like they were all playing with each other.

Or when we were driving in that black Suburban and I was laughing SO hard because I made changed the saying for Payless to "Pay more - Buy less" and I thought I was the funniest person ever. And I think you all were laughing too....

And finally, that kid who told me I sounded like a dying cat when I coughed when I had croup. Speaking of croup - when I had that kira made me cream of chicken soup to eat and I ate that nasty stuff and thought it was GOOD. wtf.

And now for Kira:

Mike and his HUGE stuffed animal beaver. I believe it was hot pink.

Me thinking i was really cool cause i was friends with the black kid who lived across the street.

Me and those ridiculously big t-shirts from the loony tunes store, and that attitude ones.. wtf was i thinking???

Telling you guys how horrible utah was going to be because they didnt have REAL rap music there.

The Shapiro kids ratting me out for smoking in that field by their house with brian and mike.

Danica's room being overtaken by dalmatian stuffed animals and little figurines.

Studying and going to see all those canadian geese in the wild. still when i see geese i think they should only be in maryland because i remember thinking we were really special that we got to see them!

Going to the aquarium and seeing the jelly fish and then when we were done and we went outside to the pier there were thousands of little jelly fish they had dumped out into the water.

Thinking i was really cool for dating a kid who over the summer went to the X games with his dad.. like some how it made me cool by association?

*for the record i have no memory of throwing a math book at danica's head so it must not have happened.*


*for the record - you were smoking who knows what so you wouldn't have remembered it. So it must have happened.*

Also this..

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and we're back

Baltimore & DC.

The past three weekends have been filled with more love and happiness than I think my little heart can hold.
I'm extremely grateful for the time I am getting to spend time with these people I hold so dear to my heart.

With all that taken into account - it's good to be home.
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a new day

*I woke up this morning, saw this post on hilary's blog and realized it was exactly what I needed to hear today.*

 "Sometimes you just need to leave yesterday and move forward.
At this moment I just feel like purging. It almost feels relieving to imagine all the things weighing on you drawn on a white board in big, angry handwriting. Then imagine yourself squirting the whiteboard with that cleanser stuff and just wiping the whole thing clean. It's perfectly white afterward. All those things have dripped away. 
Whew. Now take a deep breath. 
Didn't that feel good? 
Time for bed. We'll be better tomorrow." 

If you want to take a looksies over at hilary's blog go here. dooo it.
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