Vague Emotional Stories Part 2

At first I was sure that you weren't right for me. My stubborn personality knew it. I had no doubts. You were not supposed to be in my future. For 7 months you were on my mind and I pushed even the thought of it out.

And then that time I was lost in the city waiting at the subway station on the east side I had never been to. I was a week away from my year mark of living in NYC & all of the sudden I felt like my life here was coming to a close. I turned to my best friend and mentioned the vague feeling, describing it as not being able to pin point what it was but that I felt my time was short & something big was ahead. He nodded trying to understand, but how could he, I didn't even understand myself.

Another experience like this, but with a few more specifics made me realize that I was in for a big change & it scared the shizzz out of me. All I wanted was to be right there living this life I had created on my own out in a big city- it was one of my biggest accomplishments.

It was on vacation a couple months later when an announcement from another friend changed the way I thought about you. And then again that night at the hockey game & my guard was coming down. As I stepped into the airport to fly home my thoughts were "You know this is right. Let me show you how much I have in store." That was the first time I knew something was so right that even my stubbornness couldn't have pushed it away. I made my way back to NY and within 3 months I had packed up and moved home.

That time spent with you was the hardest of my life. You asked so much of me. But because of how much I gave, I was given even more in return. The people I met because of you, the painful even agonizing parts of it all have made who I am today and I would never take that back.

Towards the end of us being together I realized I had a decision to make. I could stay, but that would mean me putting off what was actually staring me in the face which I knew I needed to take care of & I wasn't ready to take care of it with you still a part of my life. My decision to leave you wasn't hasty. It wasn't a last minute decision that I would later regret. In every part of my being I knew that leaving you was right. But that didn't change the fact that up to this point, it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. 

Even though I was only with you for the short time of 8 months, you changed me.
I will never be able to thank you enough.

You - Being called and accepting to serve the Lord in Riverside California

I would never undo.
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Then, I heard this voice. It came from my own heart, the way it usually does. Only once has it ever been clear distinct undeniable words. Generally just small words speaking straight to every single good feeling in my body. 

This time like most, simple & still. 

"You are where you are. Even you can learn to be okay with that."

I think i'm starting to understand.

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Vague Emotional Stories Part 1

I didn't know the details of how things would end up eventually but i knew from that first hello on the subway at 161st street in the bronx- that we should have left it as just that.

And I should have noticed it months before I did. You never wanted to leave the apartment. You didn't want to hang out with my friends and eventually your friends either. I heard things from your friends that scared me more than I have words for.
You showed up less and less for church. 
Your words were sad.
You were sad.
And I thought I could change that.

Almost 9 months of energy was spent. And fast forward to the end, I finally could feel how much it weighed me down- I had no more emotion left to spend.

The last night I came over you kicked me out, for completely selfish reasons. You said to leave and that you wouldn't be calling me a cab. And it wasn't until the walk home that everything you had said fell into place. You knew the whole time what you were doing. We both knew that it was the best thing, and I let you convince me otherwise. And for that I am sorry. You needed someone to love you enough to hold their ground.  And I caused even more hurt, instead of my original intent to help.

I thought that would end it. It should have ended it. Again, you said words that hurt and made me upset. And I became someone that I didn't recognize after you said them.

Two years later I finally understand. I have been given my own experiences and shown a glimpse of what it was like for you. And shit, it must of been hard.

The last time I talked to you was a few days before I moved home.
You spotted me from across the room and gestured me over.

Him: "I heard some rumors about you leaving, are they true?"
I: "yes, in two days."

walks away.
weight lifted.
end story.
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