Eating Inn n out
on a Wednesday night
watching 30 rock in my bed.

This is where God chose to come to me.

& it was one of those moments where He grabs you by the collar and pulls you in real tight so your foreheads are almost touching. And softly pleading he says to you "are you listening?? Did you hear that?”

And for some reason, those nerves in your brain that tell your lungs to keep going & not stop because if they do you'll for sure kill over? They stop all communication. For half a second you loose all connection & you forget to take a breath. Because if you are being honest with yourself, you weren't listening.

He comes to you. Wherever you are & whatever the circumstance. 3,000 miles gone, he comes to you.

I have to believe that. 

To My Dear Sweet New Baby, 2015-

I realized that asking you to be a little more kind to me than your older brother 2014 was is just not the way these relationships work. So here's what I am asking- 

Help me to understand you better. To be less frustrated at the downs that will inevitably arrive, and more grateful for the highs when they are present. To be more compassionate. Maybe help me to eat a little less taco bell for the sake of my arteries? I understand if that last one just isn't going to be possible.  

I loved 2014. He and I grew far more than we ever thought capable. But if I am supposed to walk a similar road with you, I am going to need a bit more understanding. And maybe that's not even the right word here. Maybe i'm not asking for anything from you besides a kind touch every once in awhile.

Either way, I'm excited for this relationship. I hope you and I become just as close as 2014 and I did- even if that means a lot of heart break along the way. Bottom line? How can I expect anything from life if am not willing to be vulnerable?






Also, 2015? Listen.

Don't F this up.

I wake up with your name in my mouth. In those first few moments of being half aware I enjoy the familiarity by swishing it around a few times, fully experiencing you again. In those few minutes I have no thoughts of how regressing it is to even think about you. In that moment I am not sad. In that moment you and I are one again.

The grogginess wears off and I snap back to the full reality of the present- I spit your name out with all the force I can muster.

Keeping the memory of you so close is too much to carry. So I keep you safely at a distance. Close enough to look over and still see you when my heart needs a few moments to reflect, but far enough out of reach that it would be too painful for my sore muscles to attempt pulling you back in.

   Christmas 2014

oh christmas tree. oh christmas tree.

Unwavering, devout. Devoted. He honestly believed that nothing would shake that.

And you think that way your whole life. You believe that God is the focus, until he isn't. That the truths you've see your whole world through will never unroot, until they do. 

His life had been scrubbed free of any trace of God.

& when he tried finding Him again,
He was found tucked away in that spot designated for all the things you say you're gonna get rid of but just end up sitting in your closet for years instead.

"I dont know. But I think I'm ready now" he said.

Riding in Cars with Boys

I am 17 again. Riding around in my 1987 Honda accord with a cobra head stick shift that makes me feel superior to most girls my age. The car is filled way over capacity. 7 guys to 1 girl. I am the center of my little world. everyone around me, just players in my story.

Who I was then to who I am now - black and white. A clear stark difference.

In a culture that drives you to focus on what the world is doing for you- I am often taken by the hand, looked in the eyes, and told to “Get over yourself”. Because I take. And I take more and I’m greedy and “how will this person benefit me?” Will they contribute to my happiness and my progression in this life? Which at times, isn't necessarily a bad thing to question. But the problem comes when I’m not able to see what part I play in others lives. What good and what bad I bring to the table.

Its taken most of my life to hear the sacred sound of the roles I myself play for those around me. I am a hundred different things to a hundred different people.

To my new roommate, I am a different perspective on the mundane. To my nieces, I am the dance party. To him I’m she who planted doubt in his creator, who “took all that’s good away”. To the man who continually comes to yoga everyday despite having seen no improvements, I am just a familiar but distant face in his story. To my mom, someone to talk with when the “empty nesters” phase seems too quiet. To my boss, I am the face that greets him with a “Morning, how are you?” only to receive the same answer everyday “I are, how are you?” To my church family, I am the first to be vulnerable. To my best friends, I am the last of the college group to carry the torch of “there is no way I’m getting married first”. To my sisters, a body to walk with and help recognize the growth taking place even in this heart wrenching world.

I am the listener. I am the complainer. I am the “lazy son of a” who doesn't want to do her dishes. I am the habitually bad eater. I am one of those chakras. I am the meditator. I am the believer. I am the organized with mostly a lot of sloppy. I am the ever moving. I am the ever grounded. I am holy.

Who I am to you against who I am to her. I feel myself transform into these different roles multiple times a day. Exhausting & exhilarating I step back & with a full heart I understand why we were made this way. Gratitude swells.

I am now 23 again. Sitting in the back seat of a 2013 Honda Accord. Listening to the boys talk about the nick name they gave to the latest girl floating around the apartment- “Blue Dress” they call her. My eyes are closed. I am present. & right now I don’t find myself to be anything in particular, I just am. This too is holy.