im here.

"Darkness is not the whole of the story -- every pilgrimage has passages of loveliness and joy -- but it is the part of the story most often untold. When we finally escape the darkness and stumble into the light, it is tempting to tell others that our hope never flagged, to deny those long nights we spent cowering in fear.

The experience of darkness has been essential to my coming into selfhood, and telling the truth about that fact helps me stay in the light. But I want to tell that truth for another reason as well: many young people today journey in the dark, as the young always have, and we elders do them a disservice when we withhold the shadowy parts of our lives. When I was young, there were very few elders willing to talk about the darkness; most of them pretended that success was all they had ever known. As the darkness began to descend on me in my early twenties, I thought I had developed a unique and terminal case of failure. I did not realize that I had merely embarked on a journey toward joining the human race.

The story of my journey is no more or less important than anyone else's. It is simply the best source of data I have on a subject where generalizations often fail but truth may be found in the details."

pp. 18-19, Parker Palmer, Let Your Life Speak

This unexpected turn and change in my life has helped me to realize things dont always go as planned. And thats okay. But when I made the decision to come home I also made the decision to never hide or be ashamed of what was about to happen. Pretending that this never happened inst going to help anyone. & I have a testimony of the fact that we are here to help and build others through our own experiences, so if there is something that I have gone through that could help someone else, I am all for it. And:

 "The experience of darkness has been essential to my coming into selfhood,  
and telling the truth about that fact helps me stay in the light."

so.

I'm happy.
I'm adjusting.. sort of.
I'm overwhelmed.
I'm a little (a lot) nervous of my future not including me having a name tag but what return missionary inst nervous at some point about that.
Not for one second do I or will I ever regret my decision to follow where the Lord wanted me to go because my mission has changed me.
I'm loving being 10 minutes away from my babies instead of 10 hours.
I am grateful that it's not against the rules anymore for me to listen Ben Howard and watch beyonce & 30 rock all day urrry day.
I don't have the slightest idea of what the Lord has planned for me next.
And really, I am just excited to be close to a taco amigo again.

I'm just ready to see what He has in store for me in this next year since this wasnt in the plans. But really when does life ever go as planned. Like.. never. Whether or not I am ready to not be a full time missionary anymore, its here and staring me in the face. So take a deep breath sister wat.. I mean madi, and lets see how it goes.


"Keep your head up, keep your heart strong."

Mission Address Update

Anyone still out there?

*chirping crickets*

Here's Madi's mission address for all those wanting to write:

Sister Madison Waters
California Riverside Mission
5900 Grand Ave
Riverside, CA  92504-1328

MTC Address

Hey guys! Madi's sister here - Just wanted to post Madi's MTC Address for anyone interested:

MTC Mailbox #179

CA-RIV 0904

2005 N 900 E

Provo UT, 84604-1793

And just for fun, here's one of the pictures she's sent us from her first days in the MTC:

im leaving

if you want my updates leave me your email address in the comments and my sister will add you to the weekly email list. 

also this blog wont completely be a waste land. I will take videos of me eating breakfast, maybe flossing or something and have my sister post them for your enjoyment. you're welcome.

kloveyoubye.

18 months of no blog posts means this one has gotta make up for it

I feel overwhelmed- a happy overwhelmed if that makes any sense.

I feel overwhelmed that I was given this life- these people, this opportunity, this gospel. I am so enveloped with love constantly, what the freak did I do to deserve all of this goodness in my life? I keep getting that "cant breathe my happy is just overtaking me" feeling a lot lately.

I think me and my unexperienced tiny brain know everything about the way my life should go and what will make me happy. But over and over Heavenly Father turns an opportunity that what otherwise would seem completely wretched,  into exactly what I need. 
And how bout we just address elephant in the room- 

take this mission for example.

At one point all I wanted was NY. That was my happy and there was no way anyone was going to take it away from me. But I knew NY wasn't the direction my life should be going anymore. Eventually my prayers went from "show me the way and I will go" to " how bout you make your plans for me around what I want and we will go from there" and "anything but a mission $!@#@$$%#$@"

"... the almost impossible thing is to hand over your whole self - all your wishes and precations - to Christ. But it is far easier than what we are trying to do instead." C.S Lewis

I am raising my hand to being the last person on this earth I thought would say yes to going. But I can't even begin to explain how incredibly blessed I have been already by this decision to go. If this much goodness has come from just saying yes, can you even imagine what the actual mission is going to be like? 

I cant thank shannon enough for listening to that thought to invite me to live with her in NY. Had I not been given the opportunity to explore my faith out there for awhile, I don't know where I would be. My dad sent me this talk that was given by a member of a stake presidency and this quote changed things for me.

"An unexamined faith is not worth having." -  Russell Hancock

That hit me like a ton of bricks. He wants us to ask questions. To try to explore and understand all that we can about this gospel and about our relationship with Him. It needs to just not be blind obedience and I am telling you now that before NY, thats what it was for me. I knew without a doubt that this gospel was something I would always want in my life but I never took the time to explore a little and dig deeper to see what it was all about. And the minute I did, a whole new beautiful side opened up to me. My relationship with Christ grew stronger. And it wasn't just blind obedience anymore.

"If there is one great constant in the universe is the unfailing love of the Savior, the other great constant is his unfailing respect for human agency. "He will not override your will, even for your own good. He will not compel you to accept his help. he will not force you to accept his companionship. He leaves you free to choose." - Chieko N. Okazaki

He's not going to force me. Free freaking agency Madi, this is your life and you are free to do what you will. But he was there the minute I decided to turn over that will to Him. It's not easy, but holy cow it is ten million time easier than whatever the crap I was trying to do before.

"I beg you to open the door and let him in. give him your whole heart, all the pieces, and let him heal you. 

He's not waiting for us to be perfect. Perfect people do not need a Savior. He came to save us in our imperfections. He is the Lord of the living, and the living makes mistakes. He's not embarrassed by us, angry at us, or shocked. He wants us in our brokenness, in our unhappiness, in our guilt and our grief." - 

Chieko N. Okazaki

I leave for the MTC in 5 MOTHER LOVING DAYS.

I'm not freaking out. 
It's fine. 
18 months, do you guys realize that?
Just making sure. 

and just because I think every post should include a happy photo- here is a picture of my weekend in seattle. Kait was a genius to shoot in film all weekend.

seattle + a very short amount of time

14 days.

did your stomach just drop?

mine is doing weird giddy flip things.

but im going to talk about seattle now and avoid the subject for another post.

I can't tell you how incredible it felt to be back with some friends from NY. Not very many people here fit me like those I met in my year and a half spent there. Not pictured below is one of the best parts of the trip- Phantogram and the Lumineers in concert- FOR FREEEEEE. The story goes I am standing in line to buy my 35 dollar ticket for the Seattle block party just minding my own and out of nowhere a man slips something into my hand and says here's two ticket- then swiftly walks away before I even had time to pee my pants from excitement. A pre-mission phantogram christmas miracle? 

I put together a really quick video of the trip and I think you will appreciate the very end- kait singing celine dion- listening to her sing that made the whole trip worth it right there.

summer

summer, after all, is a time when wonderful things can happen to quiet people.


for those few months, you’re not required to be who everyone thinks you are, and that cut-grass smell in the air and the chance to dive into the deep end of a pool give you a courage you don’t have the rest of the year.


you can be grateful and easy, with no eyes on you, and no past.
summer just opens the door and lets you out.



An Ode to Summer from Kinfolk on Vimeo.