im here.

"Darkness is not the whole of the story -- every pilgrimage has passages of loveliness and joy -- but it is the part of the story most often untold. When we finally escape the darkness and stumble into the light, it is tempting to tell others that our hope never flagged, to deny those long nights we spent cowering in fear.

The experience of darkness has been essential to my coming into selfhood, and telling the truth about that fact helps me stay in the light. But I want to tell that truth for another reason as well: many young people today journey in the dark, as the young always have, and we elders do them a disservice when we withhold the shadowy parts of our lives. When I was young, there were very few elders willing to talk about the darkness; most of them pretended that success was all they had ever known. As the darkness began to descend on me in my early twenties, I thought I had developed a unique and terminal case of failure. I did not realize that I had merely embarked on a journey toward joining the human race.

The story of my journey is no more or less important than anyone else's. It is simply the best source of data I have on a subject where generalizations often fail but truth may be found in the details."

pp. 18-19, Parker Palmer, Let Your Life Speak

This unexpected turn and change in my life has helped me to realize things dont always go as planned. And thats okay. But when I made the decision to come home I also made the decision to never hide or be ashamed of what was about to happen. Pretending that this never happened inst going to help anyone. & I have a testimony of the fact that we are here to help and build others through our own experiences, so if there is something that I have gone through that could help someone else, I am all for it. And:

 "The experience of darkness has been essential to my coming into selfhood,  
and telling the truth about that fact helps me stay in the light."

so.

I'm happy.
I'm adjusting.. sort of.
I'm overwhelmed.
I'm a little (a lot) nervous of my future not including me having a name tag but what return missionary inst nervous at some point about that.
Not for one second do I or will I ever regret my decision to follow where the Lord wanted me to go because my mission has changed me.
I'm loving being 10 minutes away from my babies instead of 10 hours.
I am grateful that it's not against the rules anymore for me to listen Ben Howard and watch beyonce & 30 rock all day urrry day.
I don't have the slightest idea of what the Lord has planned for me next.
And really, I am just excited to be close to a taco amigo again.

I'm just ready to see what He has in store for me in this next year since this wasnt in the plans. But really when does life ever go as planned. Like.. never. Whether or not I am ready to not be a full time missionary anymore, its here and staring me in the face. So take a deep breath sister wat.. I mean madi, and lets see how it goes.


"Keep your head up, keep your heart strong."