18 months of no blog posts means this one has gotta make up for it

I feel overwhelmed- a happy overwhelmed if that makes any sense.

I feel overwhelmed that I was given this life- these people, this opportunity, this gospel. I am so enveloped with love constantly, what the freak did I do to deserve all of this goodness in my life? I keep getting that "cant breathe my happy is just overtaking me" feeling a lot lately.

I think me and my unexperienced tiny brain know everything about the way my life should go and what will make me happy. But over and over Heavenly Father turns an opportunity that what otherwise would seem completely wretched,  into exactly what I need. 
And how bout we just address elephant in the room- 

take this mission for example.

At one point all I wanted was NY. That was my happy and there was no way anyone was going to take it away from me. But I knew NY wasn't the direction my life should be going anymore. Eventually my prayers went from "show me the way and I will go" to " how bout you make your plans for me around what I want and we will go from there" and "anything but a mission $!@#@$$%#$@"

"... the almost impossible thing is to hand over your whole self - all your wishes and precations - to Christ. But it is far easier than what we are trying to do instead." C.S Lewis

I am raising my hand to being the last person on this earth I thought would say yes to going. But I can't even begin to explain how incredibly blessed I have been already by this decision to go. If this much goodness has come from just saying yes, can you even imagine what the actual mission is going to be like? 

I cant thank shannon enough for listening to that thought to invite me to live with her in NY. Had I not been given the opportunity to explore my faith out there for awhile, I don't know where I would be. My dad sent me this talk that was given by a member of a stake presidency and this quote changed things for me.

"An unexamined faith is not worth having." -  Russell Hancock

That hit me like a ton of bricks. He wants us to ask questions. To try to explore and understand all that we can about this gospel and about our relationship with Him. It needs to just not be blind obedience and I am telling you now that before NY, thats what it was for me. I knew without a doubt that this gospel was something I would always want in my life but I never took the time to explore a little and dig deeper to see what it was all about. And the minute I did, a whole new beautiful side opened up to me. My relationship with Christ grew stronger. And it wasn't just blind obedience anymore.

"If there is one great constant in the universe is the unfailing love of the Savior, the other great constant is his unfailing respect for human agency. "He will not override your will, even for your own good. He will not compel you to accept his help. he will not force you to accept his companionship. He leaves you free to choose." - Chieko N. Okazaki

He's not going to force me. Free freaking agency Madi, this is your life and you are free to do what you will. But he was there the minute I decided to turn over that will to Him. It's not easy, but holy cow it is ten million time easier than whatever the crap I was trying to do before.

"I beg you to open the door and let him in. give him your whole heart, all the pieces, and let him heal you. 

He's not waiting for us to be perfect. Perfect people do not need a Savior. He came to save us in our imperfections. He is the Lord of the living, and the living makes mistakes. He's not embarrassed by us, angry at us, or shocked. He wants us in our brokenness, in our unhappiness, in our guilt and our grief." - 

Chieko N. Okazaki

I leave for the MTC in 5 MOTHER LOVING DAYS.

I'm not freaking out. 
It's fine. 
18 months, do you guys realize that?
Just making sure. 

and just because I think every post should include a happy photo- here is a picture of my weekend in seattle. Kait was a genius to shoot in film all weekend.