The Hawkins

 

 

Provo Canyon

lake mary

An open palm and a consecrated life

Because with fists closed, nails digging into your grasp.

Slowly your muscles start to relax.
Natural progression means you cant hold on forever.
And as your hand slowly releases you start to see your world as it was meant to be.

Palms flat you receive-
and palms flat you provide.

Let it soak in by resting on your hand there. 
but don't keep it.
It's not yours.
It was never intended solely for you.

Once you fully understand.
And I mean the kind of understanding that moves you to take action- 
there is no turning around. 

"All of it will change and all of it will pass into what comes next and there is no going back. 

The question is, will we meet this passing with a closed fist and a hard heart

or with an open palm and consecrated life? - Adam S. Miller , Letters to a Young Mormon

because you were prepared

you know this! - why don't you know this?

you signed the papers, shook hands, gave your word.

you promised each other.

try and remember because when you ask "why me?"  all I can give you is

"because you were prepared."

KNP

"Let’s do some blood work just to rule it out okay?"

You would leave, taking me with you. Like in Grey’s Anatomy when Derek Shepard took out that chicks prefrontal cortex. Remember how screwed up she was after that? Essentially you leaving would mean taking with you my cognitive behavior, my personality expression, even my decision making. All of me gone the moment your end begins. Hell, there wouldn't be enough sertraline in the world to make that okay. Screw sertraline.

I know I said before that I don’t believe in a God per say. But something happened in the last hour and a half while watching that needle go into your arm and listening to the nurse ask you questions to keep your mind off the pain. I saw something higher. Something holy. I know I saw divine in that moment.

So I’m asking. Maybe for more time or guidance. Maybe just for some comfort? But I’m here. For the first time in my life I’m here. I always thought it was played up for the movies but viewing that today physically brought me to my knees. How is that my body’s natural reaction to something traumatic when I've never prayed, let alone prayed on my knees before? I’m asking for something, pleading even. I’m sure you know what it is.

"The test came back negative. He is going to be fine. Sorry for the scare"

EVE.

E V E.

The Mother of All Living.

"It is through women that souls journey to mortality and gain their agency, and in general it is through the nurturing of women, their nurturing love of their children, that the light of Christ is awakened within each soul. And we should include in that list of souls Jesus the Christ. Even Christ our Lord was escorted to mortality and veiled in flesh through the gift of a woman, fed at his mother’s breast, and awakened to all that is good and sweet in the world. Women escort every soul through the veil to mortal life and full agency." - I am a mormon because I am a feminist 


My role -- *our role* -- as a woman, is so much more than I ever thought. I'm sure my view will continue to change (maybe even significantly) throughout my life. And yet, through the last few months I've finally recognized what my soul has always known. I'm starting to catch a glimpse at what we have always been -- what we were foreordained to be. It's just taken my mortal self a little bit of time to catch up to rest of me. Eve was called the mother of all living long before she ever gave birth. We have always been and will always be "a mother" in one sense of the word or another.

Reading Eve and the Choice Made in Eden by Beverly Campbell, countless experiences in the temple, discussions with the women in my life, and one on one talks with my Father in Heaven have changed the way I feel about motherhood. I now feel a tremendous amount of weight when thinking about the role I have to fulfill here. But the same amount of honor and love have also appeared through all of this.

Read. Study. Pray. 
Do everything you possibly can to get a glimpse at the magnitude of who you are as a woman -- especially a woman in this gospel. 

My own mother - there are not enough words for. 
I was nurtured and loved far beyond what I feel I deserve. 
I have been lead to what my spirit knows is true, not only because of her, but because of multiple other women who've been placed in my path.  

My role is to nurture & to heal.
My role is to love & lead.
My role is to help carry those souls that have been put in front of me, through this life.

And yet even though I am to be all of those things for someone else, I have no doubt somehow I will learn far more from those souls than they will ever learn from me. 

(more on how great my mom is)