24 hours, not days

My first boyfriend was in 7th grade. We were sitting in english class when he walked by to "go to the bathroom" and dropped me a note. I opened it, and it wrote "Do you want to be my girlfriend? Check yes or no." George Straight truly had a way with words. I marked yes and so began my first journey of being a girlfriend.

Turns out being a girlfriend doesn't last very long. Like only 24 hours long. But that whole glorious day we passed notes back and forth to each other in the hall. Never making eye contact because you don't do that when you like someone. I went home that night and secretly named each level of the video game I played after him, but in code so no one would know. We were pretty happy.

Until the the next school day when he passed me the note in C hall that read "My mom found out I have a girlfriend and is making me break up with you". I understood. I mean if my parents decoded every level of that video game, they would probably not be happy either. So I wrote that we could just be friends and left it at that. After school that day my best friend Cassie came to tell me that he had lied about the whole "mom finding out" thing and he already had another girlfriend. Her name was Madison. He left me for another Madison.

It's okay because I fully believe in Karma.
Recently I heard that my 7th grade boyfriend literally thinks he's a pirate. Eye patch and everything.

THAT MOON.
Did you get to experience it last night?

I put zero effort into making this video. It has no relevance but I just needed a video to capture how I feel most summer sunday nights laying out on the grass with my family. Sooooo many half clothed babies.

Sunday Nights from Madison Waters on Vimeo.

Its weekends like this that make me wish I was a better writer so that I could convey everything that's inside of me. But I am incapable of describing what seems to be overflowing in my heart so just go with me here.

It was an 11pm trip up to half moon rock on our last night there. And the combination of driving through the canyon with the windows down, listening to music where every song seems to just speak to your insides, and sitting behind it all looking at the backs of these girls heads who have become more and more a part of me these past years. It was the kind of scene/feeling I hope to one day be able to capture on film.

When I am with them, there is no passing judgment on myself in the back of my head. I am who I REALLY am. I am my favorite me.

So, on top of the rock that made us feel like we were landing on the moon,
we erased ourselves like in star girl.
That "boundary" was gone.
We let ourselves be who we needed to for awhile, even if that was taking a moment to not be here, not be us, just exist and nothing more.

Grand Junction, CO ate all of our hearts out.
..chewed them up,
and spit them back out.
but in a good way.

Best description ever.

Sunday thoughts.

"Your therapist needs to shove it."

Topanga Canyon

Southern California

 

from Madison Waters on Vimeo.

He burns incense while playing hymns on the guitar in his meditation room.

and when you walk in on him doing this you will probably think he is hot boxing.
and in a Mormon sort of way, he kind of is.

and you will just shake your head and say to yourself "how long is this mid life crisis going to last?"
but really in the back of your mind you don't ever want him to stop being your meditation guru,  hot boxing dad.

because to you, that's the best kind of dad.

#sappy
#esacltyseth

Forward it is

I spent an incredible weekend in Grand Junction Colorado, mostly trying to get out of Utah for a bit. A good portion of the weekend was spent lounging around watching Pretty Little Liars (Not even ashamed to admit that we almost watched a whole season in one weekend) but we did manage to get out to float the Colorado River which is now something I would do everyday if I could. We even ran into the owner of the blog The Secret Life of Bee  and I managed to become one of those fans that creepishly walks up in line of Cafe rio to say "Not trying to be creepy, buuut.. Love your blog. and uuuer uhh, your skirt too"

I cant even lie about wanting to get out of Utah by saying I just needed to see shannon because in a week we will be in California together, so that excuse is shot.

I went with the intention to go and cry to shannon about how much I want to get out of utah county. About how hard life is right now and how I am mad that the feeling I keep having is telling me to stay right here for awhile and not leave like I always find myself doing. There's that part of me (the part that took me to logan and then surprise! NY it is. Ohhp just kidding, a mission it is.) that hates to be tied down to anything and it's screaming at me so loud I can barely hear the subtle promptings I keep getting to STAY WHERE YOU ARE.

I've been mad.
And I'm mad that I am mad.
And shannon got to hear an earful this weekend of my whining and bitter rants.


But this is what I realized after a talk with shannon laid out on a blanket under the stars in the middle of the colorado desert.


I'm being an idiot.

But, srrsly.



My head is above water.
At least a lot more than before.
& I need to be grateful for that.

And where did that whole "Fatih" thing go that I learned to trust so well on my mission?? Huh? Huh?? I want that back.
I'm gonna get that back real soon here.
Because obviously I am trusting that there is a reason I need to be here because I haven't fled the Utah County scene yet despite the million and a half different escape plans i've come up with. I'm just trusting while kicking and screaming and complaining at every opportunity I am given.

Favorite plans to leave so far?
- Back to NYC comin at ya, and tell em.
-San Francisco with best friendship.
-Santa Barbara with the other best friendship.
- I even resulted to Salt Lake City as an option. I'm thinking "Okay you want me to stay here?? FINE. I'll move to salt lake. Close but not Provo, everyone wins".

By the time I came down from my "Screw this, I'm out of here and onto my next adventure" high, my thought to stick it out in utah county was still there, quietly waiting for me to accept him and start moving forward.

So, forward it is. Minus the whining like a small child.



ps.
 I wrote this while watching "My Teen Is Pregnant & So Am I"
#notworthit
#dontevengolookitup
#prettylittleliars4life