Forward it is

I spent an incredible weekend in Grand Junction Colorado, mostly trying to get out of Utah for a bit. A good portion of the weekend was spent lounging around watching Pretty Little Liars (Not even ashamed to admit that we almost watched a whole season in one weekend) but we did manage to get out to float the Colorado River which is now something I would do everyday if I could. We even ran into the owner of the blog The Secret Life of Bee  and I managed to become one of those fans that creepishly walks up in line of Cafe rio to say "Not trying to be creepy, buuut.. Love your blog. and uuuer uhh, your skirt too"

I cant even lie about wanting to get out of Utah by saying I just needed to see shannon because in a week we will be in California together, so that excuse is shot.

I went with the intention to go and cry to shannon about how much I want to get out of utah county. About how hard life is right now and how I am mad that the feeling I keep having is telling me to stay right here for awhile and not leave like I always find myself doing. There's that part of me (the part that took me to logan and then surprise! NY it is. Ohhp just kidding, a mission it is.) that hates to be tied down to anything and it's screaming at me so loud I can barely hear the subtle promptings I keep getting to STAY WHERE YOU ARE.

I've been mad.
And I'm mad that I am mad.
And shannon got to hear an earful this weekend of my whining and bitter rants.

But this is what I realized after a talk with shannon laid out on a blanket under the stars in the middle of the colorado desert.

I'm being an idiot.

But, srrsly.

My head is above water.
At least a lot more than before.
& I need to be grateful for that.

And where did that whole "Fatih" thing go that I learned to trust so well on my mission?? Huh? Huh?? I want that back.
I'm gonna get that back real soon here.
Because obviously I am trusting that there is a reason I need to be here because I haven't fled the Utah County scene yet despite the million and a half different escape plans i've come up with. I'm just trusting while kicking and screaming and complaining at every opportunity I am given.

Favorite plans to leave so far?
- Back to NYC comin at ya, and tell em.
-San Francisco with best friendship.
-Santa Barbara with the other best friendship.
- I even resulted to Salt Lake City as an option. I'm thinking "Okay you want me to stay here?? FINE. I'll move to salt lake. Close but not Provo, everyone wins".

By the time I came down from my "Screw this, I'm out of here and onto my next adventure" high, my thought to stick it out in utah county was still there, quietly waiting for me to accept him and start moving forward.

So, forward it is. Minus the whining like a small child.

 I wrote this while watching "My Teen Is Pregnant & So Am I"


  1. i wuv this blog. and i know my vote holds no weight compared to the heavens above, but NEW YORKKKKUHHH!! ;)

    love you lady!

  2. OMG. you met bre!!!?!?!?!??! I'M SO JELLY! i luv her and deercircus and amandamarykay on ingstagram <3


    fkdjs;faalksdjf;kls i don't have words. this post was for me. i am sure when you try and talk about this to other people they are like.. what's wrong with provo? why don't you love it here? it's a nice place to live. why would you want to go to san francisco? that's a big chanBLAH BLAH BLAH YOU DON'T GET IT LADY YOU NEVER WILLLLLL

    i get you. i get this post. and my heart breaks for you your obligation to stay. because i get obligations. and i get the need to escape. i do i get it. SLC helps. it's like this resting ground between fresh air and clostrophobia (i'm not even going to google how to spell it because we are on that level where it's okay to spell things wrong without judgement..actually i think it's claustrophobia but i just don't care) ANYWAYS oh i get you.

    be strong. good luck.