Forward it is

I spent an incredible weekend in Grand Junction Colorado, mostly trying to get out of Utah for a bit. A good portion of the weekend was spent lounging around watching Pretty Little Liars (Not even ashamed to admit that we almost watched a whole season in one weekend) but we did manage to get out to float the Colorado River which is now something I would do everyday if I could. We even ran into the owner of the blog The Secret Life of Bee  and I managed to become one of those fans that creepishly walks up in line of Cafe rio to say "Not trying to be creepy, buuut.. Love your blog. and uuuer uhh, your skirt too"

I cant even lie about wanting to get out of Utah by saying I just needed to see shannon because in a week we will be in California together, so that excuse is shot.

I went with the intention to go and cry to shannon about how much I want to get out of utah county. About how hard life is right now and how I am mad that the feeling I keep having is telling me to stay right here for awhile and not leave like I always find myself doing. There's that part of me (the part that took me to logan and then surprise! NY it is. Ohhp just kidding, a mission it is.) that hates to be tied down to anything and it's screaming at me so loud I can barely hear the subtle promptings I keep getting to STAY WHERE YOU ARE.

I've been mad.
And I'm mad that I am mad.
And shannon got to hear an earful this weekend of my whining and bitter rants.


But this is what I realized after a talk with shannon laid out on a blanket under the stars in the middle of the colorado desert.


I'm being an idiot.

But, srrsly.



My head is above water.
At least a lot more than before.
& I need to be grateful for that.

And where did that whole "Fatih" thing go that I learned to trust so well on my mission?? Huh? Huh?? I want that back.
I'm gonna get that back real soon here.
Because obviously I am trusting that there is a reason I need to be here because I haven't fled the Utah County scene yet despite the million and a half different escape plans i've come up with. I'm just trusting while kicking and screaming and complaining at every opportunity I am given.

Favorite plans to leave so far?
- Back to NYC comin at ya, and tell em.
-San Francisco with best friendship.
-Santa Barbara with the other best friendship.
- I even resulted to Salt Lake City as an option. I'm thinking "Okay you want me to stay here?? FINE. I'll move to salt lake. Close but not Provo, everyone wins".

By the time I came down from my "Screw this, I'm out of here and onto my next adventure" high, my thought to stick it out in utah county was still there, quietly waiting for me to accept him and start moving forward.

So, forward it is. Minus the whining like a small child.



ps.
 I wrote this while watching "My Teen Is Pregnant & So Am I"
#notworthit
#dontevengolookitup
#prettylittleliars4life

Should I Marry Kocoum?

Dont start watching Pocahontas on netflix every day. 

It results in you and your roommate going out and making an adult size 7 foot teepee out of a drop cloth and wood.

Or actually, do it. Because it will change your life.

And then go watch  

Girl You Wish You Hadn't Started a Conversation With at a Party 

in your new teepee. 

#esactlyseth

                         

Divinely Designed

"What if the revelation came to us that, in fact, our earth-life experiences were divinely designed, even fabricated,  to make those abrasive experiences (meaning contentious, dysfunctional, or broken relationships) possible, as a sort of laboratory in which we could work out our salvation....   Maybe we could ask ourselves: 'How shall we ever learn Christ-like love unless we have a chance to practice it in the face of the opposites?' Every disrupted relationship, whether in our own home or within a particular group or community, is a chance to forge the divine nature in ourselves and prepare for that endless state of happiness....
 

"It would appear that all the people in our lives are there for important reasons.  We stand in a sacred relationship to them because we and they cannot be made perfect without each other.  Nevertheless, we remember that seldom are they given to us primarily to satisfy us.  Rather, they are given to us to make possible a much greater love than we would have been capable of in a situation where everybody agreed with us, everybody loved us, everybody saw everything the way we do.  These abrasive people in our lives are friends in disguise.  They are there to teach us to perfect love in ourselves, not to perfect them."

-Spiritual Lightening By M. Catherine Thomas

Daring Greatly

"To be safe, we loose the chance of ever knowing" - Pocahontas

I took a look down at my paper then looked up at the congregation, took a deep breath, and repeated the words exactly as I wrote them on my paper-

"I'm home earlier than I expected from my mission on a medical release for anxiety and depression."

The words came out heavier than I expected. So much has gone into getting me to this moment, Home & happy, and it felt like the weight of it all came out in that one sentence.

In the back of my mind, my whole goal was to make the audience feel uncomfortable enough by saying those words, so that they would never ask me to speak again and hopefully write me off as some crazy RM who will one day "pull it together" and not talk about uncomfortable & vulnerable things at the pulpit.

Looking out into the audience after repeating the words "anxiety & depression" was one of the most surreal "is this my life?" moments. ever. But I felt strongly that those were the exact words I was supposed to use even though this subject is not one often spoken about.

DO YOU WANT TO KNOW SINCE I'VE BEEN HOME, HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE COME OUT AND TOLD ME THEY DEAL WITH THE SAME THING BUT HAVE ALWAYS FELT ASHAMED OF SAYING IT OUT LOUD??
More than I can count.

But why is it that we are lead to believe that this is something to hide?

I'm reading a book called "Daring Greatly" by Brene Brown and surprise! its about vulnerability.

My new favorite and least favorite word these days.

Brene's definition of vulnerability:

"Vulnerability is the willingness to breath through something where there is no guarantees. "

"Vulnerability is not weakness, It is our most accurate measurement of courage... It is the birthplace of innovation, creativity, of joy, love, belonging, and change.. We need to stop numbing vulnerability, because when we do, we numb joy, gratitude, and happiness."

Within the last year, making the decision to be vulnerable has given me some of the most rich and fulfilling experiences in my life. But with that, It has given me on an equal scale, experiences that made me wanna sock someone in the mouth a few times. Like I said in that first post after coming home, after a lot of prayer,  Heavenly Father and I made the decision to not hide or be ashamed of not only coming home early but of the anxiety and depression.
The struggles I go through give me the chance to use the atonement every single second of everyday in my life and help others do the same-
how great is that opportunity?

I think its such a fine line to walk and so everyone ends up just avoiding it. No one wants to talk to someone who is constantly negative and talks solely just about how hard their life is. BUTTTT, it also shouldn't be taken to the other extreme to where no one feels safe to talk about the struggles and challenges that made and are making them into who they are.

My bishop out on the mission said something one time that I don't think I will ever let leave my mind. He said he never wants to be the kind of person where he wakes up and puts a mask on. Using the lessons he learns everyday, he polishes and perfects the mask until it becomes perfect, shiny, and pleasant to look at by everyone around him. But at the end of it all, he takes off the mask and he is still the same ugly creature underneath. The time that Heavenly Father gave him to learn and grow were used to put on a face for others. Choosing to put on a mask over letting yourself feel vulnerable feels better than that second option. But we all make this choice everyday.

“Numb the dark and you numb the light.” 

“Hope is a function of struggle.” - Brene Brown

You are who you are -
because of the struggles you have gone through.

This whole being home, having to be a normal human being and worry about what I need to do with my life, school, dating, work..

Is THE WORST.

And Id rather not do it.

But:

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”

“To let ourselves be seen—deeply seen, vulnerably seen. To love with our whole hearts, even though there’s no guarantee. To practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror. To believe that we are enough. Because when we work from a place that says I’m enough, we stop screaming and start listening—we’re kinder and gentler to the people around us and we’re kinder and gentler to ourselves.”

Portrait of a Poet from Kendy on Vimeo.

Thank you Dad thank you mum, for the Chaotic Childhood
Because my life is like the ascent of a mountain
And it's true my feet hurt sometimes
But although the way is long and bruising
The road is beautiful
And the higher i get with courage and endurance
And the purer the air the more marvelous the view
I'm patiently climbing towards the summit
And the day that ill reach it
maybe it will be the end
But if not yet
then ill sit
I'll contemplate the view offered to me
And ill stay there silently
quiet and calm
Appreciating the deep joy of being
Simply being
a part of this world
And feeling the world living within me.

and just because Im still in love with it a year later:

We are the result of our experiences. Struggles and all.

I got a job

Thanks Claire.

im here.

"Darkness is not the whole of the story -- every pilgrimage has passages of loveliness and joy -- but it is the part of the story most often untold. When we finally escape the darkness and stumble into the light, it is tempting to tell others that our hope never flagged, to deny those long nights we spent cowering in fear.

The experience of darkness has been essential to my coming into selfhood, and telling the truth about that fact helps me stay in the light. But I want to tell that truth for another reason as well: many young people today journey in the dark, as the young always have, and we elders do them a disservice when we withhold the shadowy parts of our lives. When I was young, there were very few elders willing to talk about the darkness; most of them pretended that success was all they had ever known. As the darkness began to descend on me in my early twenties, I thought I had developed a unique and terminal case of failure. I did not realize that I had merely embarked on a journey toward joining the human race.

The story of my journey is no more or less important than anyone else's. It is simply the best source of data I have on a subject where generalizations often fail but truth may be found in the details."

pp. 18-19, Parker Palmer, Let Your Life Speak

This unexpected turn and change in my life has helped me to realize things dont always go as planned. And thats okay. But when I made the decision to come home I also made the decision to never hide or be ashamed of what was about to happen. Pretending that this never happened inst going to help anyone. & I have a testimony of the fact that we are here to help and build others through our own experiences, so if there is something that I have gone through that could help someone else, I am all for it. And:

 "The experience of darkness has been essential to my coming into selfhood,  
and telling the truth about that fact helps me stay in the light."

so.

I'm happy.
I'm adjusting.. sort of.
I'm overwhelmed.
I'm a little (a lot) nervous of my future not including me having a name tag but what return missionary inst nervous at some point about that.
Not for one second do I or will I ever regret my decision to follow where the Lord wanted me to go because my mission has changed me.
I'm loving being 10 minutes away from my babies instead of 10 hours.
I am grateful that it's not against the rules anymore for me to listen Ben Howard and watch beyonce & 30 rock all day urrry day.
I don't have the slightest idea of what the Lord has planned for me next.
And really, I am just excited to be close to a taco amigo again.

I'm just ready to see what He has in store for me in this next year since this wasnt in the plans. But really when does life ever go as planned. Like.. never. Whether or not I am ready to not be a full time missionary anymore, its here and staring me in the face. So take a deep breath sister wat.. I mean madi, and lets see how it goes.


"Keep your head up, keep your heart strong."

Mission Address Update

Anyone still out there?

*chirping crickets*

Here's Madi's mission address for all those wanting to write:

Sister Madison Waters
California Riverside Mission
5900 Grand Ave
Riverside, CA  92504-1328