and all doubts are ceased.

This is it.

I've come up with a theory since being home.

There is a direct correlation between my messy out of control room and my messy out of control life.

*This picture was taken back when I had my shiz together.

Then, I heard this voice. It came from my own heart, the way it usually does. Only once has it ever been clear distinct undeniable words. Generally just small words speaking straight to every single good feeling in my body. 

This time like most, simple & still. 

"You are where you are. Even you can learn to be okay with that."




I think i'm starting to understand.

Vague Emotional Stories Part 1

I didn't know the details of how things would end up eventually but i knew from that first hello on the subway at 161st street in the bronx- that we should have left it as just that.

And I should have noticed it months before I did. You never wanted to leave the apartment. You didn't want to hang out with my friends and eventually your friends either. I heard things from your friends that scared me more than I have words for.

You showed up less and less for church. 

Your words were sad.

You were sad.

And I thought I could change that.

Almost 9 months of energy was spent. And fast forward to the end, I finally could feel how much it weighed me down- I had no more emotion left to spend.

The last night I came over you kicked me out, for completely selfish reasons. You said to leave and that you wouldn't be calling me a cab. And it wasn't until the walk home that everything you had said fell into place. You knew the whole time what you were doing. We both knew that it was the best thing, and I let you convince me otherwise. And for that I am sorry. You needed someone to love you enough to hold their ground.  And I caused even more hurt, instead of my original intent to help.

I thought that would end it. It should have ended it. Again, you said words that hurt and made me upset. And I became someone that I didn't recognize after you said them.

Two years later I finally understand. I have been given my own experiences and shown a glimpse of what it was like for you. And shit, it must of been hard.

The last time I talked to you was a few days before I moved home.
You spotted me from across the room and gestured me over.

Him: "I heard some rumors about you leaving, are they true?"
I: "yes, in two days."
Him:"wow"

walks away.

weight lifted.
end story.

& in that one moment, that one phrase. Physically you felt her testimony, 

her belief, her confidence in a higher power.

be right here

My favorite part about this whole yoga teacher training thing i'm taking (lets pretend I already mentioned this update in my life) is how we are taught to be here. Wherever here is.
If you are brushing your teeth, brush your teeth. Don't be thinking about the million other things you have to do that day.
If you are driving to work, drive to work.
If you are in Uttanasana jumping back to Chaturanga (i'm using the official words to sound more boss), don't be thinking about how the sweat is dripping into your eyes causing them to burn and you wanting to collapse into a ball on the floor.

Be here now.
Not daydreaming about leaving Utah.
What good does it do to solely be focused that? It only takes away from the now. And the now has been so good to me.

I'm letting myself be here.
& i'm letting myself be okay with that.

Now take a breath-
This serious post is over.

Here is a link to a spotify playlist that is speaking to my insides like I wrote about the other day.
If you don't have spotify, get it. but if you want to go on with life, not having as much happiness as you could be having here's a couple songs from the playlist that I cant stop listening to.

( ^ 3:54, perfection )

"Look, I came out with chunky thighs. (lifts up skirt to show) and baby, these are the thighs I had. And they never gave up"

-Brinley, age 6