An open palm and a consecrated life

Because with fists closed, nails digging into your grasp.

Slowly your muscles start to relax.
Natural progression means you cant hold on forever.
And as your hand slowly releases you start to see your world as it was meant to be.

Palms flat you receive-
and palms flat you provide.

Let it soak in by resting on your hand there. 
but don't keep it.
It's not yours.
It was never intended solely for you.

Once you fully understand.
And I mean the kind of understanding that moves you to take action- 
there is no turning around. 

"All of it will change and all of it will pass into what comes next and there is no going back. 

The question is, will we meet this passing with a closed fist and a hard heart

or with an open palm and consecrated life? - Adam S. Miller , Letters to a Young Mormon

because you were prepared

you know this! - why don't you know this?

you signed the papers, shook hands, gave your word.

you promised each other.

try and remember because when you ask "why me?"  all I can give you is

"because you were prepared."

KNP

"Let’s do some blood work just to rule it out okay?"

You would leave, taking me with you. Like in Grey’s Anatomy when Derek Shepard took out that chicks prefrontal cortex. Remember how screwed up she was after that? Essentially you leaving would mean taking with you my cognitive behavior, my personality expression, even my decision making. All of me gone the moment your end begins. Hell, there wouldn't be enough sertraline in the world to make that okay. Screw sertraline.

I know I said before that I don’t believe in a God per say. But something happened in the last hour and a half while watching that needle go into your arm and listening to the nurse ask you questions to keep your mind off the pain. I saw something higher. Something holy. I know I saw divine in that moment.

So I’m asking. Maybe for more time or guidance. Maybe just for some comfort? But I’m here. For the first time in my life I’m here. I always thought it was played up for the movies but viewing that today physically brought me to my knees. How is that my body’s natural reaction to something traumatic when I've never prayed, let alone prayed on my knees before? I’m asking for something, pleading even. I’m sure you know what it is.

"The test came back negative. He is going to be fine. Sorry for the scare"