bed head // chocolate pie hangover

etta james - a staple

Sitting on the porch, getting some air. I watch as my aunt runs past and inside. The sound of a party. The music getting louder as the door opens- Etta James, Sunday Kind of Love - As the door closes the music dulls to a muted sound again. The walls from out here seem as if they could burst open. And I imagine if they did, love would come spilling out. An overwhelming love.

This holiday feels different. 

& that statement is starting to sound extremely repetitive in my life. But I think the source of variance comes from the eight months I spent away. Those eight months not only changed myself, it transformed my family. They walked it with me. It changed even the smallest parts of us. The mundane simply feels less mundane(y). 

So the holidays feel unusual - better.

Thanksgiving took the cake this year. I can't wait to see what happens come Christmas.

Remembrance // Gratitude

There is something holy that comes with the slow work of God. The difficult, and at times, traumatic parts of it all. The parts that in the moment, feel like you will never recover, or never understand the reason of why it came to be. Dark and and at a standstill. Holy.

Then you look around and see what you are compared to what you were. And when what you were - shown against what you currently are -is like looking at the colors black and white, a clear stark difference,
gratitude swells. 

My 17 year old of a sister gave a talk in church yesterday. Quoting President Eyring she said that 
“Remembrance is the seed of Gratitude”

So I want to remember it all. Agonizing or complete joy- I want it all.

I want to remember slow dancing to etta james with my dad.

That feeling of love that surrounds a new born baby.
That shame does not need to drive you.

That silence & holding still often tells me all I need to know.
That you can always feel Gods presence - even in the darkest hour.

That returning home early from a mission doesn't define who I am.

I want to remember that we were divinely designed.

That the God I believe is not a "one false move" but a "no matter what" God.
That compassion is the answer to every question.

& in the end, I want to be able to say that "I loved it all"
and truly mean it. 

the nephew

11/4/13
That baby.
He changed things.
He's changed us.

He's been here for a total of what, 72 hours?

I've been in the room for nearly all of my sisters births.
But this was different.
& maybe its because I am a different person, older and closer to that stage in my life.
but the feeling that was around that hospital room, and around our family this whole weekend, is one that I want to feel again.

He came out with barely a sqwak. Sleepy & exhausted from the journey it took to make it into our lives. Surrounded by family on that side saying goodbye, and surrounded by family on this side welcoming him into this world - all the people who love him the most - a very crowded room. A mixture of excitement, nerves, & love made it a sacred place to be.

Its in looking into this little boys face that perspective comes.

Baby Gage from Hannah Waters on Vimeo.

Tibble Fork

when standing is too much

take for example my sister.
standing at a concert for 4 hours proved to be too much for her tiny little pregnant body.
so right there amid the sway of the crowd, she plopped herself onto the floor without a care.
no thought for the judgment or glances of others.
relief flooded.

standing has taken its toll on me.
& the past month I've been desperately trying to find a railing or a wall to lean against to try and take some of the weight off.

the possibility of relief has come in the form of something I wasn't expecting, or even wanting.
but I trust the advice of those around me, and more importantly, above me.

& until I am able to work up the stamina to stand on my own,
I am going to go ahead and take a seat on this crowded floor right here and figure some things out.

Vague Emotional Stories Part 2

At first I was sure that you weren't right for me. My stubborn personality knew it. I had no doubts. You were not supposed to be in my future. For 7 months you were on my mind and I pushed even the thought of it out.

And then that time I was lost in the city waiting at the subway station on the east side I had never been to. I was a week away from my year mark of living in NYC & all of the sudden I felt like my life here was coming to a close. I turned to my best friend and mentioned the vague feeling, describing it as not being able to pin point what it was but that I felt my time was short & something big was ahead. He nodded trying to understand, but how could he, I didn't even understand myself.

Another experience like this, but with a few more specifics made me realize that I was in for a big change & it scared the shizzz out of me. All I wanted was to be right there living this life I had created on my own out in a big city- it was one of my biggest accomplishments.

It was on vacation a couple months later when an announcement from another friend changed the way I thought about you. And then again that night at the hockey game & my guard was coming down. As I stepped into the airport to fly home my thoughts were "You know this is right. Let me show you how much I have in store." That was the first time I knew something was so right that even my stubbornness couldn't have pushed it away. I made my way back to NY and within 3 months I had packed up and moved home.

That time spent with you was the hardest of my life. You asked so much of me. But because of how much I gave, I was given even more in return. The people I met because of you, the painful even agonizing parts of it all have made who I am today and I would never take that back.

Towards the end of us being together I realized I had a decision to make. I could stay, but that would mean me putting off what was actually staring me in the face which I knew I needed to take care of & I wasn't ready to take care of it with you still a part of my life. My decision to leave you wasn't hasty. It wasn't a last minute decision that I would later regret. In every part of my being I knew that leaving you was right. But that didn't change the fact that up to this point, it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. 

Even though I was only with you for the short time of 8 months, you changed me.
I will never be able to thank you enough.

You - Being called and accepting to serve the Lord in Riverside California

I would never undo.