A Letter to Millie in Summer

She's here Millie, around the corner I see her; through the stain glass panel to the right of the bay window. Most the time its in the early morning and its this sacred moment every time. I think it's because she knows thats the time of day I am most attentive & alive.

She's here and I want to know why she comes now. Is it because I am not handling this on my own? Or is it simply because she wants to be here? My guess though is that its a little bit of both. Either way the feeling is mutual.

And the weird thing is she always appears on my right. She stands there, palms flat, sometimes laid one on top of the other over her chest. But most of the time they are outstretched as if she is continually saying she is ready for anything. Ready to hold it with me. Ready to give whatever she has to fight this alongside me. Sometimes if she really wants to get my attention she’ll come directly in front of me, hands grasping mine, piercing my soul with those eyes.

As I finish praying over my morning cornflakes her hand is on my shoulder. & it isnt heavy while it rests there. Instead somehow its like she is defying the laws of nature & lifting me with her touch. In what different dimension is it possible for me to actually feel her hand resting there?

I think I should start preparing myself for when she must leave. I’ve become accustomed to her here & and I am scared for that change to come.

I hope maybe one day you'll get to meet her too, Millie. I think you'd really like her.

wallsburg

San Francisco

happy valentines day

my rock
my strength
my lover
my friend

Idaho. February 2015.

Eating Inn n out
on a Wednesday night
watching 30 rock in my bed.

This is where God chose to come to me.

& it was one of those moments where He grabs you by the collar and pulls you in real tight so your foreheads are almost touching. And softly pleading he says to you "are you listening?? Did you hear that?”

And for some reason, those nerves in your brain that tell your lungs to keep going & not stop because if they do you'll for sure kill over? They stop all communication. For half a second you loose all connection & you forget to take a breath. Because if you are being honest with yourself, you weren't listening.

He comes to you. Wherever you are & whatever the circumstance. 3,000 miles gone, he comes to you.

I have to believe that. 

To My Dear Sweet New Baby, 2015-

I realized that asking you to be a little more kind to me than your older brother 2014 was is just not the way these relationships work. So here's what I am asking- 

Help me to understand you better. To be less frustrated at the downs that will inevitably arrive, and more grateful for the highs when they are present. To be more compassionate. Maybe help me to eat a little less taco bell for the sake of my arteries? I understand if that last one just isn't going to be possible.  

I loved 2014. He and I grew far more than we ever thought capable. But if I am supposed to walk a similar road with you, I am going to need a bit more understanding. And maybe that's not even the right word here. Maybe i'm not asking for anything from you besides a kind touch every once in awhile.

Either way, I'm excited for this relationship. I hope you and I become just as close as 2014 and I did- even if that means a lot of heart break along the way. Bottom line? How can I expect anything from life if am not willing to be vulnerable?






Also, 2015? Listen.

Don't F this up.