Don't be sorry.

The descent was glorious 

and the crash - divine.

nephew carsen

You couldn't make up your mind.
Even after 30 hours and a trip to the hospital you still hadn't decided. But I don't blame you. You saw what was going on down here. Getting here is difficult. Being here is difficult. 

I want you to know that we are overcome you chose this. That you chose this family. And that you chose life. And there's nothing better than that. I know it looks hard. And I won't even lie to you for one second, it freakin is. But I think more for myself right now than for anyone, I want to say that I have no doubt it will be worth it. Repeat that at minimum to yourself 6 times on the hard days. On a good day, only once or twice.

I think you knew that in the end it would be worth it. Or else you wouldn't have agreed to this.

But we are overwhelmingly glad you did and that you are finally here with us little one.

(you can find his birth story over here on my sisters blog)

Baby Carsen Max from Madison Waters on Vimeo.

take your gloves off.

But dear daughter before you do, I want you to believe something before the world tells you otherwise. 

Those tiny but strong, beautiful & powerful hands of yours can & I know with all the certainty in my being, will do so much. When you hold my hand I feel the goodness that will come from them. I need you to remember this. Because believe me little one, I know what it feels like to be swallowed up in this world. To forget what these hands were designed for. 

Now these words may not even need to be written. I have full confidence in you & I wouldn't be a bit surprised if they turn out to be the hands of one of the greats. But I write more for myself than anything, to remind the hands that are helping me write to you, of their real purpose here. 

Your little hands have changed me. 

They taught me that compassion is always the answer. & that being gentle is more powerful than force. That without any questions asked, I can be loved so deeply. That I am worthy of love and belonging.

So here is the promise to you my daughter. That I will try with every second I have left here on this earth, to give back to others the goodness you have shown me. 

My dear. Love this world with those little hands. Love the world that has that has forgotten what love means.

Show them through your hands that we were divinely designed, even before there ever was a before. 

"Take your gloves off."

A phrase that behind it drives unfairness, blame, anger, hurt, & defensiveness. And yet when your gloves come off, all I see is compassion and love. Empathy and kindness. 

Everything you touch will know of the divine within themselves. By the time you are old enough to fully understand what all this means, you're goodness will have already blessed the lives of hundreds. I have no doubt.  All because of the magnificence that comes flowing forth from you my dear.

I don't think I could ever love a pair extremities more. 

(not quite sure why I wrote this. I don't even have a daughter... sooo..)

no but really.

Water-coloring the words that haven't left my mind for for years.

always there. just like he promised.

He came. And made a vow to never leave her side again. The minute the promise was given, a darkness something fierce engulfed her. Sitting there on her chest, weight that was so grueling she feared all of her tensed muscles keeping this from crushing her eventually would release, give out. Relaxing wasn't an option. One minute okay, next, her knees making contact with the floor.

Patty Griffin, Gregory Alan, Ofelia are all there happy to help in any way they can. The voices of those she had fallen in love with would for hours sing to her while building up a wall between him and her. Water-coloring, spinning roving into yarn - the fibers drafting through her fingers easing her hurt mind. All becoming more of a sedative than a cure. The wall never stayed for long. Anytime she was alone, she felt the stifling atmosphere that she had come to know so well spreading over her once again. He was there, always. Just like he promised.

"Sister Waters, this will never.go. away. This will always be your struggle." He said.

Slowly the muscles are building. She can feel them. They are sore, but the good kind of sore. The kind that makes you want to work the muscles more because you know results are coming.

In the beginning she wished for nothing more than for this to go away.
But now she see's.
Her eyes are opened.

He showed her the way to compassion. & In the end if that’s all he showed her - how to be compassionate - she will still shake his hand, imagining tears being involved, and thank him for it all.

chocolate milk will help

My niece and I have had a rough couple of days.
She's been in a funk where she seems to hate the world and wants to let everyone know about it.
I've been experiencing what I would call "the organic process" a march that we pretty much all go through but hate every second of.
And if she were able to fully understand her feelings I think she would agree with me when I say that this past week can shove it.

Did you know it was possible to connect with a 3 year old like that?
Me either.

"I have a firm belief in this statement. & it's that shit ends." - Chelsea Babbitt

It does.
It know it will.
In the mean time eat a whole pint of ben & jerry's late night snack & go on that 3rd taco bell run for the day. No shame.

i'll go first

 

Share with me the dark parts of yourself? I'll go first if that makes it easier.

The stroke of the brush takes my crippled mind and gives it a minute to manage - a break if you will. Laying down water within the lines of my mind. Carefully dropping in color before the water soaks in making it harder to manipulate. 

Sap Green with a drop of Burnt Umber to try and stimulate that quiet security -  the feeling that only being in nature can give to you. On the days when I feel taken advantage of by the judgments of others, pure Phthalo Blue - unnatural in my opinion. It's sole purpose, to please the spectators. The decided glance of others towards my experience gives me a constant need to over-think my thoughts- hence the Phthalo. & then on the best days, masking fluid already set to mimic the shape of the cosmos. Ivory Black and a hint of Ultramarine Blue run together down the back of my eyelids. Nothing so grim that the combination of water and color can't mend.

So you see here; The darkness that mental illness brings, also draws a light. A light by which you are given the ability to see.

Share with me the dark parts of yourself, I'll go first if that makes it easier.
Then wait with me while we watch for the light.
Its worth it, I just know it.