no guarantees

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”

“To let ourselves be seen—deeply seen, vulnerably seen. To love with our whole hearts, even though there’s no guarantee. To practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror. To believe that we are enough. Because when we work from a place that says I’m enough, we stop screaming and start listening—we’re kinder and gentler to the people around us and we’re kinder and gentler to ourselves.”

Vulnerability proves it's power once again in my life.

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Styes R gross kids. Avoid them at all costs unless you want to become unloved and untouchable to all of the human race like my little sister and I. Do you see the desperation in our faces? We are pleading you to stay away. 

Call 1800- styes-R-gross to give back.

seeing the evidence of her in my moms hands

Last weekend was spent in Soda Springs Idaho visiting grandma Dixie.

Merlin my grandpa passed away coming up on two years ago and we try to make the trip up to see her now as often as possible. No real reason for going except family, you know? That has become another one of those sacred words to me within the past year.

Dixie has always been this fire cracker of a woman. And until my grandpa died, that part of her was always there, overwhelming anything else attempting to shine through. But since he has gone something has changed in her. She's become softer. More fragile. And maybe that's because she's realized that time left here is shorter than when she last checked. Or that loosing a spouse really does take a toll on you physically as well as emotionally. But since Merlin left us, she's become a more gentle person. It's been an interesting thing to watch over the past two years. Like I said in my last post, time and experience can change people. Even after 80 years of being a certain way, change still occurs. 

Holy.

Because the evidence of her is in my mom's hands. And my aunt's hands. And I am happy knowing that once she has finished here and I have to wait awhile to see her again, I get to see parts of her throughout my mom, my aunt, my sisters, and even myself. Dixie is apart of us all.

time will do the talking

I've become a firm believer in time. Giving myself time to see past the hardship of what "now" is so apparently shoving in my face. Giving the Lord time to work it out. Time has told me that I am more than my current weaknesses. Those things that seem to be the hardest to overcome, I overcame. Those things that seemed never ending, ended. And the main ingredient? 

I took an 8 month break from my life to go and help others find theirs. What was so apparent when I came back was how much time changes us all. It wasn't so apparent when I was home and gradually watching the change happen. But it's like coming home and seeing how much your nieces have grown. Had you been with them everyday the growth wouldn't be as clear. But because you stepped away for a while, the differences are tangible. 

Time & experience can alter someone you thought could never change.

Time will heal. Maybe taking years, but ultimately the passing of time will tell you what you can't hear right now. Patty Griffin your words sink straight to my bones. 

So taking a comfy seat, I actively wait for time to make clear what is unexplained right now. One day I'll see and it, and it will be then that I say to myself "Dammit Madi, look at who you've become because of that, why'd you have to complain so much? You could have saved so many ears from hearing your unpleasant whining."

And then I will buy everyone Taco Bell in hopes of showing how sorry I am I subjected you to that awful pitch of my voice.

44 days

Quietly get up and leave.

Quiet so as not to wake.

I sit down on the floor to untie my shoes.

Slip on. Re-tie. A five year old again, trying to tie my shoes in the dark. 

Check for keys in my pocket.

"Stand up" I said.

Weighing more than I realized, I take another minute to myself.

"This is holy" I quietly repeat, trying to convince myself.

Eventually when it feels right, get up and walk towards the door.

The creaking dulled with every loud snore, opening that movable barrier a little wider.

Double check for keys once more.

Coat on. 

Walk.

The 430 am sky is always the most silent and reassuring. Stopping at the usual spot where the lights are muted, I look up in between the trees and apartment buildings to breathe it in. Finally understanding the full weight of it all on that first inhale - I exhale with my head tilted towards those celestial bodies. 

This.is.holy.

Time gives you a break to let you breathe. But soon enough that overwhelmed feeling comes swinging back to hit you in the chest and knock the wind out of you. A cycle that I am learning to work with, be grateful for.

somebody bring this girl some ham

Here's the thing:

No one, not even you and I, have been able to pin point what happened to make us so close.
We've always been the "Missy's" & to me, there is a sacredness to that word. I honestly think our closeness is a huge contributor to the reason our family has gotten closer, stronger over the past few years.

You were the only person for those 8 months in NY I told that I had thoughts about serving mission. And when I told you there was "no way in hell" I wanted to go on a mission, you didn't judge me for saying that, or for the swearing part. And when you told me over the phone while I was sitting in the San Fransisco airport that you thought I should finally give in and listen to the feelings, I took that opinion to heart more than anyone elses.

You were the first one I called when I had done things that mother would not approve of with a boy for the first time, and you let me cry about to you. You empathized with me.

You let me cry about the stress of dating multiple guys at a time and didn't say "well at least you have boys to date" like so many said. 

You wholeheartedly understand my love for 30 rock, parks and rec, and just Tina Fey & Amy Poehler in general. It's almost too much love to handle just myself and I am relieved I have someone to share that burden with.

The past year and a half have changed you and I. You changed spiritually just as much as I did while on my mission and I am so grateful for that. You could literally understand the feelings I was having about my love for the gospel. I knew when I was doing morning study, you were too. And you experienced those indescribable feelings of falling in love with this gospel at the same time I did.

And even though our life experiences were at the complete opposite ends of the spectrum, you could somehow always pull from something you had gone through to help me. Like when I came to you and said "Having to leave NY feels like there will be a hole in me that can never be filled" and you could pull from your own experiences and explain that things will get better. Even though you've never had that same NY experience. It amazes me still to this day how you can do that. And it's a quality I want in myself someday.

Your love for your husband & babies.
Your love for our family.
Your testimony.
Your strength - THAT STRENGTH DANI. It's inspired not only me but many many people around you. I cant tell you how many times i've had people say to me "Dani is one of the strongest people I know" and every time I fervently nod my head in agreeance .

I am overwhelmed with gratitude towards Heavenly Father that he let me have you as my sister and even more grateful because the plan all along, since before we were even together in this wonderful family here in this life, was for you to become my best friend.

Happy Birthday Pants.

26 may just be the best year yet. 

*cue celine dion's inspirational "my heart will go on"*

-Madi

Not in the plans, totally planned Christmas

Is it just me or has that Christmas tree gotten smaller? 
The fake Christmas tree that we've used every year since I can remember. Is that even possible?

I've grown since my last Christmas home. No, Literally. At least half an inch. I think that makes me really 5'11 now, not 5'10 and a half claiming to be 5'11. Being away has made an honest woman out of me. 

Its been three years by the way. Three years since being able to spend this holiday that so supports family, surrounded by exactly that. One Christmas spent in NYC, The next in Murrieta. & this years wasn't even supposed to be spent here. But all of the good that has come out of being home shows me it was in the plans all along. Maybe not my plans but definitely in someones. Had I stayed on my mission, I would have missed out on becoming this person. And I'm happy with how its turned out, with all of this. 

8 months ago there was no way out. I saw no end. Even the little glimpses of light graciously sent my way couldn't change the whole perspective. And now thinking back, I am there again. Sitting in that darkness. Seeing how it all played out and how I got here- sitting in my parents recliner on Christmas eve at 3:13 am listening to the best effing christmas playlist of all time - I am overwhelmed. But the best kind of overwhelmed. The opposite kind of overwhelmed that I felt a year ago. The kind of overwhelmed you feel when you realize that all of it's in remembering the birth and the atonement of Christ. 

Tears. I mean you could totally chalk it up to hormones. But these are the the good kind of tears that seem to well up in your heart way before they even make it out of your eyes.

Holidays lately have been the shit. Mostly because my family is the shit.