the nephew

11/4/13
That baby.
He changed things.
He's changed us.

He's been here for a total of what, 72 hours?

I've been in the room for nearly all of my sisters births.
But this was different.
& maybe its because I am a different person, older and closer to that stage in my life.
but the feeling that was around that hospital room, and around our family this whole weekend, is one that I want to feel again.

He came out with barely a sqwak. Sleepy & exhausted from the journey it took to make it into our lives. Surrounded by family on that side saying goodbye, and surrounded by family on this side welcoming him into this world - all the people who love him the most - a very crowded room. A mixture of excitement, nerves, & love made it a sacred place to be.

Its in looking into this little boys face that perspective comes.

Baby Gage from Hannah Waters on Vimeo.

Tibble Fork

when standing is too much

take for example my sister.
standing at a concert for 4 hours proved to be too much for her tiny little pregnant body.
so right there amid the sway of the crowd, she plopped herself onto the floor without a care.
no thought for the judgment or glances of others.
relief flooded.

standing has taken its toll on me.
& the past month I've been desperately trying to find a railing or a wall to lean against to try and take some of the weight off.

the possibility of relief has come in the form of something I wasn't expecting, or even wanting.
but I trust the advice of those around me, and more importantly, above me.

& until I am able to work up the stamina to stand on my own,
I am going to go ahead and take a seat on this crowded floor right here and figure some things out.

Vague Emotional Stories Part 2

At first I was sure that you weren't right for me. My stubborn personality knew it. I had no doubts. You were not supposed to be in my future. For 7 months you were on my mind and I pushed even the thought of it out.

And then that time I was lost in the city waiting at the subway station on the east side I had never been to. I was a week away from my year mark of living in NYC & all of the sudden I felt like my life here was coming to a close. I turned to my best friend and mentioned the vague feeling, describing it as not being able to pin point what it was but that I felt my time was short & something big was ahead. He nodded trying to understand, but how could he, I didn't even understand myself.

Another experience like this, but with a few more specifics made me realize that I was in for a big change & it scared the shizzz out of me. All I wanted was to be right there living this life I had created on my own out in a big city- it was one of my biggest accomplishments.

It was on vacation a couple months later when an announcement from another friend changed the way I thought about you. And then again that night at the hockey game & my guard was coming down. As I stepped into the airport to fly home my thoughts were "You know this is right. Let me show you how much I have in store." That was the first time I knew something was so right that even my stubbornness couldn't have pushed it away. I made my way back to NY and within 3 months I had packed up and moved home.

That time spent with you was the hardest of my life. You asked so much of me. But because of how much I gave, I was given even more in return. The people I met because of you, the painful even agonizing parts of it all have made who I am today and I would never take that back.

Towards the end of us being together I realized I had a decision to make. I could stay, but that would mean me putting off what was actually staring me in the face which I knew I needed to take care of & I wasn't ready to take care of it with you still a part of my life. My decision to leave you wasn't hasty. It wasn't a last minute decision that I would later regret. In every part of my being I knew that leaving you was right. But that didn't change the fact that up to this point, it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. 

Even though I was only with you for the short time of 8 months, you changed me.
I will never be able to thank you enough.

You - Being called and accepting to serve the Lord in Riverside California

I would never undo.

and all doubts are ceased.

This is it.

I've come up with a theory since being home.

There is a direct correlation between my messy out of control room and my messy out of control life.

*This picture was taken back when I had my shiz together.

Then, I heard this voice. It came from my own heart, the way it usually does. Only once has it ever been clear distinct undeniable words. Generally just small words speaking straight to every single good feeling in my body. 

This time like most, simple & still. 

"You are where you are. Even you can learn to be okay with that."




I think i'm starting to understand.