Riding in Cars with Boys
I am 17 again. Riding around in my 1987 Honda accord with a cobra head stick shift that makes me feel superior to most girls my age. The car is filled way over capacity. 7 guys to 1 girl. I am the center of my little world. everyone around me, just players in my story.
In a culture that drives you to focus on what the world is doing for you- I am often taken by the hand, looked in the eyes, and told to “Get over yourself”. Because I take. And I take more and I’m greedy and “how will this person benefit me?” Will they contribute to my happiness and my progression in this life? Which at times, isn't necessarily a bad thing to question. But the problem comes when I’m not able to see what part I play in others lives. What good and what bad I bring to the table.
Its taken most of my life to hear the sacred sound of the roles I myself play for those around me. I am a hundred different things to a hundred different people.
To my new roommate, I am a different perspective on the mundane. To my nieces, I am the dance party. To him I’m she who planted doubt in his creator, who “took all that’s good away”. To the man who continually comes to yoga everyday despite having seen no improvements, I am just a familiar but distant face in his story. To my mom, someone to talk with when the “empty nesters” phase seems too quiet. To my boss, I am the face that greets him with a “Morning, how are you?” only to receive the same answer everyday “I are, how are you?” To my church family, I am the first to be vulnerable. To my best friends, I am the last of the college group to carry the torch of “there is no way I’m getting married first”. To my sisters, a body to walk with and help recognize the growth taking place even in this heart wrenching world.
I am the listener. I am the complainer. I am the “lazy son of a” who doesn't want to do her dishes. I am the habitually bad eater. I am one of those chakras. I am the meditator. I am the believer. I am the organized with mostly a lot of sloppy. I am the ever moving. I am the ever grounded. I am holy.
Who I am to you against who I am to her. I feel myself transform into these different roles multiple times a day. Exhausting & exhilarating I step back & with a full heart I understand why we were made this way. Gratitude swells.
I am now 23 again. Sitting in the back seat of a 2013 Honda Accord. Listening to the boys talk about the nick name they gave to the latest girl floating around the apartment- “Blue Dress” they call her. My eyes are closed. I am present. & right now I don’t find myself to be anything in particular, I just am. This too is holy.