Mirrored
After exiting my body she was placed directly on my chest, looked straight into my eyes, and repeated the words “We are still One. We are still We.”
And from that day forward when she cried, I cried. When her legs would curl up towards her stomach telling me something was wrong, wouldn’t you know it, my stomach would start aching too. You could time our 3 AM meltdowns. Was it her anger or mine? Was I frustrated first or was she? She is Me only 4 feet shorter and 100 lbs lighter.
Is this something that we will develop out of, or are we going to reflect forever? Will she feel my complete fear and dread when I find out I am pregnant again? What about when she’s 15 and has her first breakup — will I bear that grief too? Broken Bones? Finals week? The ultimate is when we reflect joy or excitement or my all time favorite, love. Reaching in she grabs your heart in one hand and your soul in the other and gives you nice good shake. I’ve never met another person who feels more deeply than her. It’s like the emotions are too big for her body so when one comes along it wells up and bursts out of without any reservation.
I guess somehow it makes sense. Nine months we had to learn each other. Moving, developing into these new souls alongside one another. But the awe is always there as she mirrors my own self again and again.
We are still One. We are still We.
Hyperemesis Gravidarum
It started at the tail end of my 4th week of pregnancy- a few days after we were surprised with the news of this baby. It was just light nausea at first but it got intense towards the end of the 5th week so I called my midwives and had them prescribe me Zofran to help. Every week that came brought with it a new level of 24/7 nausea and vomiting that had me begging for what seemed now the easier previous week. By week 8 everything hit a whole new level of hard. Things that had previously helped distract me now just made me more nauseous. Reading, writing, looking at my phone, looking at a computer screen, T.V, talking to my family, music, audiobooks, podcasts- everything made me want to crawl out of my skin. For a few weeks my body would only let me lay flat on my back. If it turned to my side I would throw up. If my head was propped up to any degree at all I would throw up. I found more shapes in my ceiling then I ever thought possible.
One night in the middle of week 8 I found myself throwing up every 30 minutes not able to keep down any sort of fluids at all. 18 hours of this brought on severe dehydration so my midwives sent me to the hospital to start IV therapy. It was the sweetest relief I've ever felt in my life. For about 24 hours after I could sit up for longer than 30 seconds. I actually ate a couple bites of real food. I was a whole new woman. Annnnd then my high wore off and it was back to regular scheduled nausea & vomiting programming. So for about a month and a half I had a standing order at the hospital and went every few days for IV's.
I lost 25 lbs in 5 weeks. Bones were poking out where they shouldn't. & I was trying so hard to believe that pregnancy is an incredible gift. A gift and not a punishment.
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Emotionally I hit a point a few weeks into all of this where my body needed a way to release everything I was feeling and holding in. Crying became that release for me. Every day after mentally attempting to get myself through hour by hour I would usually break down about 7 or 8pm and sob to my husband saying I couldn't do it another hour let alone another day & ask him to make it go away. All I knew is that I wanted it gone & I didn't care how. Mentally keeping my head above water was too much to take on & so the anger quickly set in.
I have never felt anger like that before. Every day almost every hour my thoughts would turn back to the same words- "Why are some women given perfect pregnancies? Why do some women feel better when they're pregnant and live great lives while growing a human inside of them? Why do I have to loose (what feels like) my whole mind & body while trying to give this human inside of me life? Why am I part of the 1% of pregnant women that get this severely sick? Why am I literally Bella from twilight?" My family and friends would contact me and give me words of encouragement but I was so angry that I didn't want to hear any of it. I didn't want to hear that it would eventually be worth it because right then it didn't feel that way. With all of these negative thoughts came the guilt of not being excited enough to have a baby growing inside of me. There are thousands of women who can't even get pregnant so I should just be quiet and be grateful! How can I be so negative and angry at a time like this? & how will I ever be a good mom if the minute I am given the chance I become bitter and angry?
But then I would get these moments every few days where I would hear someone say something or read words in an article that would help shift my perspective. And even though the negative thoughts would come back within a few hours, at least I got a small amount of time where I felt I had a purpose for my suffering before going back to the anger. A couple of these moments came in the form of incredibly sacred experiences. Once with my Heavenly Mother. Another with this little person growing inside me. Words that Eve spoke in the Garden of Eden became an anthem- "It is better for us to pass through sorrow".
& very very slowly as the nausea eased, the anger started to leave.
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